On some days, I have looked at the clear, sunny sky and wondered if I experience loneliness very strongly because I am named after the sun. The sun, unlike the moon, doesn't have stars to keep him company.
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The loneliness I experience varies in its nature from time to time.
Sometimes, it is that feeling of belonging to a wrong societal setup. Sometimes, it is that feeling of belonging to the wrong generation. Sometimes, it is that feeling of belonging to the wrong gender. Sometimes, it is that feeling of belonging to the wrong species.
Sometimes, it is that feeling of not experiencing joy from the general joy-inducing activities that people indulge themselves in. Sometimes, it is that feeling of being abandoned even by the activities you cherish doing the most. Sometimes, it is that feeling of being surrounded by people who are not as childish as you. Sometimes, it is that feeling of being surrounded by people who are not as mature as you. Sometimes, it is that feeling of going through sadness among a group of people who seem happy. Sometimes, it is that feeling of experiencing joy among a group of people who seem sad.
Sometimes, it is that feeling of not wanting to say anything to anyone. Sometimes, it is that feeling of not wanting to listen anything from anyone. Sometimes, it is that feeling of missing a person who shares the things you want to hear but don't ask for. Sometimes, it is that feeling of missing a person who understands what you mean even when you say different things.
Sometimes, it is that feeling of missing the touch of a loved one.
But I must admit that whenever loneliness casts its dark shadows on me, a gentle drizzle quickly finds its way in the form of words/films/music/friends.
Sometimes, it is a new character from a new story-idea who gives me company. Sometimes, it is a known character from a loved book/film who sits down by my side.
Sometimes, it is the lyrics of a long-forgotten song which supply the words to my blank mental page. Sometimes, it is the tune of an all-time favorite song which leads me home.
Sometimes, it is a friend who simply lets me know that he/she is there for me.
****
Two days ago, a collective experience at a movie theater overwhelmed me.
I had walked into the theater feeling lonely, not so much owing to the lack of company as much as owing to the lack of an identifiable emotion within me.
The film that I had gone to watch was Shoplifters - a hard-hitting Japanese film about a group of unrelated people who come together to become a family only to be separated by government authorities, with the separation helping them understand the selfless love each person holds for one another.
The theater was sparsely crowded, allowing each viewer to enjoy the comfort of an entire row of seats for himself.
As the film was midway, as the characters in the film grew close to one another, I felt an invisible bond birthing between us - viewers - in our individual rows. Though we were silent, the film was speaking for and to each of us.
As the film reached its climax, a few viewers seated in the rows before me wept now and then. The scenes playing before me suggested the disintegration of a family but a warmth spread in my heart signaling the birth of a family. After the film ended and the lights were turned on, I could see that the viewers were not ready to leave their seats.
Maybe they had also experienced what I had experienced. Maybe they had also experienced a sense of belonging.
After all, isn't the pursuit of life all about belonging with the right person, doing the right thing, at the right place, at the right time?
Maybe that. Or, maybe it is about becoming that person who can belong with anyone at any place.
****
I look at the sky as I am returning to my home from office. The sun is about to set.
A flock of birds fly across the reddish sky reminding me that the moon might have the stars but the sun enjoys the company of all the birds.
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