25 Feb 2017

Home

This happened last weekend when my mom had come to Bangalore for a short stay. 

I was standing in front of the mirror, trying to comb my hair in spite of the knowledge that the hair strands would go dancing in their own directions once I stepped out of the flat. 
For some reason, my attention shifted to the bottom corner of the mirror and I noticed a small, circular maroon-colored bindi stuck there. 
I slowly moved my fingers over it. I was reminded of the untiring efforts I had put in as a child to stand on my toes and reach up to the bindis adorning the mirror. I was also reminded of how I had learnt about the solar system using the maroon dots. 
As memories flooded my mind, I looked at the mirror. My reflection was staring back at me from my bedroom in Chennai. He seemed at home.
And then it hit me.
Home is not the place where reminders of a family are stacked up in shelves. Home is not the place where you age along with the neighboring kid, the maidservant, the security guard and the seesaw of the apartment playground. Home is also not the place where the owner of the grocery store at the end of your street has seen your favorite drink evolve from Milo to Boost to Coffee. 
Home is just the place where your most loved ones surround you. 

Maybe, in a sense, we can all strive to be snails for a major part of our lives. 

5 Feb 2017

A theft of love

(A short story dedicated to every stolen object that longs to return to its rightful owner) 

Ganesh unlocked the front door and entered his house. The hour hand in the wall clock hung by the living room entrance struck 4. The shadows had started growing longer. 

Ganesh opened the windows in the living room and entered the kitchen. He had learnt more about cooking in the week that had passed than he had ever had in the 35 years he had been married to Geeta. Geeta's hospitalization had been an unexpected blow. 
A blow that had made Ganesh rethink if his decision with Geeta, a week after their marriage, to not have children, had been a mistake. Back then, their love for each other had been selfish enough to not let in a third person. 

As Ganesh placed the milk cooker on the stove, he remembered Geeta's anger at the hospital. 
Ganesh had informed Geeta that he had washed her favorite silk sari - the yellow colored, green bordered, a-magnificent-peacock-symbol-in-the-center silk sari - with a few of his clothes. "Do not tell me you have let that silk sari dry on our backyard clothesline!", Geeta had raised her voice. Ganesh had offered a sheepish smile. 
"In all these years, have you not noticed that I always dry that sari indoors?" she had asked, frustrated. "I notice your saris only when you wear them", Ganesh had replied with a grin.
Geeta had been unable to hide her smile after that reply and they had spent the next hour reminiscing the happenings of their first wedding anniversary - the day when Geeta had worn her favorite silk sari for the first time.

Ganesh walked out of the kitchen and towards his backyard. He unfastened the latch of the backyard door and stepped out. As he looked at the clothesline, his heart skipped a beat.
The silk sari was missing.
He hurriedly looked around to see if the wind had displaced the sari. But the wind had not been the culprit. Ganesh looked at the vast expanse of paddy fields that lay beyond the compound wall of his house. He could imagine a faceless man running across the fields with his wife's silk sari. 

Not wanting to pick up his clothes from the clothesline, Ganesh entered his house. He could not wipe off his mind the image of Geeta smiling her generous smile, adorned in the yellow colored, green bordered, a-magnificent-peacock-symbol-in-the-center silk sari. He remembered vividly her attention-seeking-cough as she had stepped out of their bedroom, wearing the sari for the first time. The sight of her, in that sari, had blew him away that an hour later, Geeta had had to dress up again. 

Ganesh entered the kitchen and emptied a cup of water down his throat. Standing there, he could recall various instances of Geeta drying the silk sari indoors. "I do not have a diary for recording my special memories with you. All of them are locked inside this", he remembered her mentioning once, as she was carefully ironing the silk sari. 
Ganesh walked to the backyard again hoping he had missed a corner. He walked in circles around the backyard, scanning every inch of it. He then told himself that the wind might have blown mightily and stepped out of his house, to search on the other side of the compound wall. Half an hour later, as he finished his second search around the compound wall, he arrived at his doorway ready to come to terms with the fact that the silk sari had been stolen. He seated himself on the ground, letting the sadness sink. He then stood up and walked to his bedroom. 
He had realized that a walking stick and a new pair of spectacles had to wait.

****

Ram stood in the backyard of Ganesh's house, his entire body mildly trembling. It had been a year since his last theft. He recalled the promise he had made to his wife on the night he had returned from prison, to never steal again, as she had lay sleeping. It had been a six-month sentence but it had felt like a six-year separation from his wife. 

Ram looked at the silk sari hung on the clothesline. He badly wanted to return to his wife without becoming a thief. But she lay in the hospital, fighting for her life. "I will not let you die", he had promised her his second promise in the two years they had been married. 
Ram had then walked around the hospital corridor wondering about the means for the required money when he had overheard Geeta asking Ganesh if he had dried her silk sari on the backyard. Ram knew where Ganesh's house was - It was the kind of small town where everyone knew everyone's house yet everyone enjoyed considerable privacy. 

Ram removed the wooden clips and pulled the silk sari from the clothesline. As his fingers ran through the silk, he remembered the times when his fingers had run through his wife's hair. He did not want to break his first promise but he had to, for the sake of his second. 
Holding the sari in his hand, he looked at the locked house. He did not want more than what he needed. Folding the sari into a small bundle, he climbed the compound wall and ran across the paddy fields.

Two hours later, Ram entered the hospital with the required money. He rushed to the ward where his wife had been admitted. As he stepped inside the ward, he noticed a nurse removing the medical equipment attached to his wife. He felt a fierce pull in his stomach. He walked closer to his wife and as he reached her, he realized that the only person who had ever loved him was no more. He wanted to cry but his sadness would not allow him to. He seated himself on the ground beside her bed. 
He realized that he had broken both his promises. He asked his wife if it was the first promise that had killed her. He knew he would not get an answer but it was a question he did not want an answer to. He then stood up and walked out of the hospital. 
He had realized that he no longer needed the money. 

****

Darkness had begun to descend as Ram ran across the paddy fields. He reached the compound wall of Ganesh's house and climbed over it. Seated over the wall, he noticed through a window that the light in the living room was switched on. But Ram had no fear of being caught. His fear had died along with his hope and his wife. 

Ram jumped down from the wall and walked towards the clothesline in the backyard. His left hand held the folded silk sari in a small bundle. Unfolding it, he spread it over the clothesline. 
As he decided to leave, something placed on the living room table caught his attention. Ram moved closer to the window. After he realized what it was, a teardrop rolled down his face. 
It was a new yellow colored, green bordered silk sari that lay atop a textile shop cover. 

1 Feb 2017

Love is not a one-man show!

(A conversation I want to record here as a constant reminder to this amateur writer who, in his real life, often contradicts the advice he offers)

My friend and I were riding to a theater on his motorbike. We were not wearing helmets and a pleasant evening breeze was kissing our faces constantly. After a 5 minute silent ride, we came to a halt at a traffic signal. 
"I am scared of what is going on between me and X", my friend said, as vehicles in the opposite lane began rushing past us.
"Is something actually going on?!", I joked.
Landing a punch with his elbow, he continued. "I feel that we are going to end up in a relationship but I am scared of it". 
I remained silent. He turned to look at me like a determined teacher who would not proceed till an answer is given. 
"Let me tell you from personal experience. We feel a lot of things inside. But only a small - a really small - portion of those feelings actually happen in real life" I told him.
It was evident from his face that he had not wanted that answer. So he proceeded with his side of the story.
"I am scared because I keep thinking about my ability to maintain a relationship. And I do not know if I will be really good in putting in the effort".
"What effort?", I asked him.
"Being there for her always. Understanding all her pleasures and problems. Being really possessive yet not too controlling. All the usual effort", he answered.
"But it is not that you are going to be the only one putting in all the effort, right?", I asked him as the traffic signal changed to green. 
My question shocked my friend. It shocked him so badly that he was unable to start the motorbike, frustrating the cars and lorries behind. Somehow, a few seconds later, he managed to start the motorbike and a few hundred meters further, he stopped the bike at a corner. 
"Repeat your question", he told me, bending forward to rest his head on the speedometer of the bike. 
"It is not that you are going to be the only one putting in all the effort, right?", I obediently repeated. 
Hearing the question, my friend let out a hearty laugh. I placed my hand on his shoulder and patted it a few times because I understood the realization that had hit him. 

The same realization had hit me only a year ago. 
I had always been worried if I had had enough love, if I had had enough time, if I had had enough talent that I had failed to think that the other person would also be contributing.
Love had always been thought of as a one-sided effort. 
And it pained me to know that a few of my friends continue to think so. 

"Did you understand that love is a two-sided game?", I asked my friend, a minute later, shaking him up from his epiphany. 
He nodded with a smile. "But even if she does not...", he started but I did not let him complete. I knew what he was about to say.
"You do not become God", I told him in a raised voice. "Trust me. You do not have to prove anyone that you can love a person unconditionally."
My friend turned to look at me and understood that I meant every word of it. 
"Anyways.." he started again but I placed my hand over his mouth.
"I care immensely about you and your love life but we have a film that is going to start in 15 minutes. And I really do not want to miss the titles" I said firmly. 
My friend gave me an angry stare and started his motorbike. 
Fifteen minutes later, I sat inside the theater a happy man - Happy that I had been able to guide my friend and happier that the titles of the film had not yet begun.

26 Jan 2017

A friend gets married...

She was the most beautiful person in the marriage hall
She also seemed the most anxious
I tried inquiring about it to her garland and her ornaments
But they were too busy posing for the photographs
Oh! The photographs and the photographers!
Did they not know that she liked posing with her head tilted?
And the priest! Why did he have to be the only one singing verse after verse?
I badly wanted to shut his mouth and make my friend sing
Her song would have been a sunflower shining in the moonlight
Her song would have been a young boy's laughter in a military camp
Her song would have been a rabbit running around the marriage hall
But slokas and traditions had to precede talent
An amazing singer had to remain silent as her marriage music played on.

I recall the gifting / photography session
The gifts served as the entry tickets to be a part of the marriage album
What if my friends and I had gone without a gift?
All we had wanted had been to see our princess become a queen
But a gift we had - perhaps a formality, perhaps a happy reminder when dusted years later
Though who were we fooling?
Would she have wanted a better reminder than glancing at us from her wedding stage?
What would have run in her mind during that momentary glance?
The lunches we all shared? The fights we all fought? 
The birthdays we all celebrated? Our favorite spot at our college?
We had often debated as to who in our gang would get married first
And there she was, the smiling winner
A few feet away we all stood, happy, proud and emotional...

I recall the gifting / photography session
It reminded me of my school annual days
Climb up the stage, shake hands with a smile, pose with the prize, climb down the stage
All of a sudden, a 25 member gang rushed on to the stage
Similar to the energetic crowd surrounding the news reporter reporting live from a location
The gang positioned itself around the couple, all smiles
As my friend smiled at them politely and as her husband let out a hearty laugh
I realized that it was the husband's family
I looked at my friend amidst the 25 people and felt my heart becoming heavier
She had always found it difficult to select a dish in the college canteen without the gang's help
And there she was, prepared to serve this new family with joy 
A few feet away I stood, happy, proud and emotional...

I recall the gifting / photography session
My friends and I also climbed up that stage and we also handed over a gift
But we did not want to climb down - Her eyes would not let us
We knew she had so much to share, so much to laugh and cry about
Seated in a circle on the stage, sharing the marriage meal
Our gang could have relived the past once more
But then it hit us - Beside her was standing her new friend
We wanted to share a few tips with him
We did not, knowing it would spoil the fun
Letting the new love blossom, my friends and I stepped down.

22 Jan 2017

The protest of two minds

"Thamizhan nenaichaa enna nadakkum nu theriyuthaa!" screams a voice. 
"Is this even right? In the wake of emotion, are we sowing the seeds for the downfall of  democracy?" screams another.
The former is filled with passion and rage. The latter is filled with doubts and fears. 

I realize that a new revolution is on its way in my birth state, Tamil Nadu. My friends, standing amidst the sea of people gathered at the Marina beach, call me and ask me why I haven't yet returned to Chennai from Bangalore to be a part of the protests. One of my friends asked me bluntly, "Do you support Jallikattu or do you not?".
I did not know the answer. 
Is not knowing the answer wrong? Is not having an opinion wrong?
The human in me wanted me to take a stand. But the writer in me did not want to. 
The writer wanted me to think about the people who did not want to form an opinion. The writer wanted me to think about the people who did not want to protest. The writer wanted me to remember Aaron Sorkin's lines from The American President.
"You want to claim this land as the land of the free? Then the symbol of your country can't just be a flag; the symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest."

I see Facebook and WhatsApp being bombarded with memes praising the involvement of the youth and memes mocking the state and central governments. There's a feeling of fear filled joy. 
It is very evident that social media will continue playing a very important role in the forthcoming major political changes. But the fear builds up thinking about the fairness of the battleground it will provide to the two sides of the scenario. 
"Social media is the voice of the common man", one might say. But can the common man be always looked up to for the solutions of political problems?
I do not know the answer. 
But I know to this extent that not knowing the answer and knowing a wrong answer should be given as much importance as knowing the right answer. 

Not being right is also, after all, a democratic right. Denying that would be wrong.

13 Jan 2017

Leaving behind love...

(A fictional piece dedicated to an angel who made a man out of me)


"How would it be if we had black stars on a white sky?", she asked with a serious face, looking at the dark night sky. I did not care to look at the stars. I was looking at one, seated beside me, on the lawn that spread before my office building.

"I am going to miss these questions", I replied in a sad tone.


She remained silent. Her silence always signaled the start of a sad thought train in her head. I wished I had the power to derail her sad thought trains. I wished I had the power to command her brain to stop overthinking though I loved the way her face shrunk with a sad thought.

"What did your boyfriend say?", I asked her, putting up a red signal to her thought train, with the fear of starting another. She had met her boyfriend an hour ago. 

"The usual stuff - 'Don't take a new job in an unknown place. You will get a better one here. I am scared of a long distance relationship.'" 
A teardrop rolled down her cheek. I knew she liked talking while crying and I remained silent.
"I am scared too. Shit scared." Her handkerchief came out. "What if I turn uninteresting over messages and phone calls and Skype?" The blue flowers on her handkerchief were getting watered. "What if he decides to end it? What if I am making the biggest mistake of my life?" The handkerchief covered her entire face. Her hair strands falling across the handkerchief made the blue flowers part of a hanging garden.

I let her cry knowing that she would scold me if I tried consoling her and she would scold me worse if I did not.
Five minutes later, her handkerchief curtain came down, revealing her face that had become so beautiful with the mascara mess. I raised my left hand to point to it but she quickly grabbed it and locked it between her hands. The pressure in her grip revealed her pain. I wished it could be wiped away as easily as her mascara.

"What will I do without you?" she asked. A teardrop rolled down her cheek. I realized I had to keep my handkerchief ready.
And suddenly, as if she had attained enlightenment, her face turned calm. Letting my hand go, she fixed her stare upon me. As I looked at her eyes, my heart skipped a beat. I recognized the stare. I knew what followed next and she uttered it seconds later.
"I feel I am a magician whose most powerful trick is to push myself away from the people I love the most".

My head began spinning in its three year old memory. A teardrop rolled down my cheek. "Maybe it is not your fault. Maybe I am the magician and you ended up getting hurt because you were part of my trick", I told her.

She lifted her hand and placed it on my cheek, a smile appearing across her face. My teardrop rolled down across her fingers. She then moved closer and hugged me. I slowly joined my arms around her.
We were ready for our big magic trick.

****

Three years ago

"Did she really admire me?" my mom asked, excited.

"Yes", I replied. My mom smiled and let silence prevail.
A mild breeze was blowing upon us on our terrace. The sun was on its slow rise and flocks of birds were starting their day's duties.

"Why do you think a girl like her would not like me?" I asked my mom. I felt she would hold the best answer, me being her creation.
"It was not that she did not like you. She just liked someone else more. There is a difference", she replied. I wondered how she constantly managed to look at life standing behind a glass of goodness.

"Do you think I committed a mistake waving her a final goodbye? Do you think I should have stayed a good friend?" I asked my mom, knowing the answer I wanted.
"I do not have an answer to that", my mom replied and added,"But life is pleasant in the way that it rarely lets you reach a point where it is too late to correct things".

"I feel I should just stay away from her", I announced, after a minute of thought.

My mom turned to fix her stare upon me. Her face looked calm. As I looked at her eyes, I was able to hear what she was about to say. The world heard it seconds later.
"Along with my artistic skills and shy nature, I feel that I have also passed on to you my magic of pushing myself away from the people I love the most".

For the first time in my life, she did not seem a mother. Standing beside me was a normal woman with her own pains and sufferings. A teardrop rolled down my cheek.
"Maybe I was intended to be the magician all along. Maybe you don't have to carry it further, having passed it on to me", I whispered, stepping closer to her.

My mom lifted her hand and placed it on my cheek. She then hugged me.
I could feel magic coursing throughout my body.

8 Jan 2017

The writer's block

The pen has not run out of ink
Contrarily, it is so filled that it only releases blobs
I want to be a horse with blinkers
Not the housefly I am now, noticing more than needed
I look around my bedroom
The walls keep expanding, letting in ideas and images
I am yet to find the door
I take a deep breath, hoping to exhale the chaos
The nostrils refuse to open
Sense is left screaming in suffocation
I do not know if the brain is to be blamed or the heart
One seems too filled and the other, too empty
Maybe it should be the other way around
Maybe the meaning is too hidden to be found
Maybe I need to step off my masochistic mound
Maybe a lesson of life to keep the writer earthbound
As clarity ceases and confusion compounds
I offer a bittersweet smile to the universe
It doesn't seem to have learnt
It can never prescribe pain to stop my writing
Words are my way out of worries and wounds.